I can honestly say, with 100% certainty, not a day goes by that I don’t think about this blog and the friends I’ve made while running it. I have missed it so much! However, while I am not quite ready to come back completely, I did want to share a little bit about what I’ve been going through, and why it’s been so quiet. I’ve been thinking a lot about whether or not to post about it, but I think if someone else out there has a similar struggle, then maybe hearing they aren’t alone might help.
Recently, I was diagnosed an eating disorder. Wow, it’s really weird to type that here. I’ve really only told a few close people, so it feels strange putting it on a more public forum. I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder (BED) or “compulsive overeating” earlier this year by an eating disorder specialist. It’s something I’ve struggled with (and didn’t even realize it) for over a decade now. Because of the ED, I’ve gained over 100 pounds in the last 9 years. I’ve learned a lot about it and a lot about myself over the past few months and as you might imagine… It’s a lot to process.
Most of my recovery involves relearning how to eat and processing what caused this in the first place. I was having a difficult time understanding the difference between eating for my feelings and eating because I needed to nourish my body in a healthy way. Now that I’m becoming more educated about eating, I am starting to feel free again. Food is starting to feel normal again. Before, it felt like food had complete control over me and there was no fighting it. It was frustrating and hard.
For years and years, I was very aggressive about my eating choices. Every time I wanted to go onto a healthy eating plan, I would go crazy. Imagine Golem, from Lord of the Rings. In my head, I would battle it out and justify eating whatever it was I was trying to eat. Most of the time the angry voice would win. Sometimes the angry voice would be screaming at me. It was at those moments I would get in my car, drive to 1 or more fast food places or the grocery store, buy THOUSANDS of calories worth of food, and then, hide in my car and eat it alone. Binges were usually followed by feelings of sickness, shame, and desperation. Looking back, I know now that it was never about food, it was about my coping mechanism. There were so many issues I needed to work through that I never realized, that I was constantly using food to numb myself out. So in reality, it wasn’t about making the right food choices, it was a matter of pain versus no pain. It’s interesting, I thought I didn’t need to properly process anything, I thought I was strong and could handle whatever was thrown at me. In reality, I wasn’t handling anything. I was just eating my problems.
Since I’ve started recovery, I’ve had to learn to actually feel my feelings and then cope and process like a normal person. It’s something I haven’t done in over 10 years. Queue weeks and weeks of crying fits and awkward conversations with my family (that I’m still having). I have relapsed a few times, but it’s getting better. I’ve learned to rely more heavily on Jeff and my close friends. I didn’t even realize that I truly wasn’t letting any of them in as fully as I thought. That part has been really nice though. I know being my friend is not very easy at the moment (seriously, SO MUCH CRYING), and they have really stepped up to the challenge. I am so thankful 🙂
This has been one of the most challenging and eye-opening experiences of my life. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done, but it has been worth it. I’m hoping to keep you updated over the coming months and years as I continue recovery (I’m only about 2 months in right now). If you took the time to read this, then thank you, thank you, thank you! I promise I’ll be coming back to my regularly scheduled programming of Star Wars and Harry Potter (I’ve been sketching and writing down ideas like crazy), but in the meantime, I thought I should check in real quick 🙂